Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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