textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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