Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
