3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
