Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
