if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
