Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
