I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
