i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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