Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
