If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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