Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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