I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I think im going to throw up on grandma
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
