She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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