I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
