so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
