How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
