I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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