I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
