I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
