I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
