I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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