I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i drank out of a bidet.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
