I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
