you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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