so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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