There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she looked like the before picture.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The air was thick with penises
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
