In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
