Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
