You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
