Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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