marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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