its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
