why didn't you poke me back
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
