He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
