I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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