1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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