JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
