This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
