I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize