and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
