sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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