I'm going to jail i love you
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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