So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
