9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
