so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
