Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize