I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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