There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just pee around me
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
