By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
