the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
