Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
