So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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