he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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