I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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