She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Randomize
