I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
be right there i have to get my cape
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
